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Here’s why: The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or children, is about receiving.

The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.

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So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?

You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person.

Part two (how you feel about your partner) flows from this.The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered.If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself.You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more. In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them.In these admissions, he/she too will be vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again. It’s more than falling in love and even more than preserving a family.

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